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Okay, here’s what I know: Today Jason Biggs, erstwhile star of Orange Is the New Black and person whose performance in American Pie erected a baker’s rack of conflicting emotions in my high school psyche, made a public appearance at the Oculus with acclaimed television star Mr. Mucus to “celebrate the launch of Mucinex Nightshift.” Reading the word “celebrate” in relation to a mucus-related event initially gave me pause, but as someone who has had more sinus infections than anyone else on Earth (look it up; it’s a world record), I do believe that festivities are in order. So. That’s what I know.

What I don’t know, from looking at these photos, is the following:

• Wow, what?
• Like, actually, what do Jason Biggs and Mr. Mucus have in common? Is there some focus group that rated them super highly? Am I in that focus group? Can we build on this? Is it possible for me to put in a request for a photo of affable zaddy Fred Savage (hot af) and the Nasonex Bee, please?
• What are we to do with Mr. Mucus’ teeth? This is deeply frightening, to be honest. The teeth are doing major work here and, frankly, I have contacted the authorities. What is Mr. Mucus chewing, though?!
• Arms. Why? That’s all I can say at this time.
• Are we all okay with the fact that Mr. Mucus’ eyes look straight up murderous?!

Amira Dughri/Halfway Crooks Entertainment

• Why am I referring to him as Mr. Mucus? The respect! Does this dude have a first name or what?
• Jason Biggs is leaning on Mr. Mucus’ jowl? No thank you a lot!
• Does Mr. Mucus have an internal skeleton? For what purpose? What’s the reason?!

Amira Dughri/Halfway Crooks Entertainment

• There’s a press conference?
• This has got to be a better press conference than any of Sean Spicer’s, right?
• What’s going on with Mr. Mucus’ collar? Why so thick? It’s basically a stole. I’m upset.
• Mr. Mucus’ shirt reads “Mr. Mucus” (redundant) in a college font. Does that mean Mr. Mucus achieved an advanced degree for some reason? And was this degree obtained at an institution called Mr. Mucus College?
• Is it accredited?
• Let’s go back to Jason Biggs. Does pie seem like a good thing to stick your wick into, in retrospect? Nope. Flag on the play.

Amira Dughri/Halfway Crooks Entertainment

• A debate? Of what? Between whom?
• Are you telling me Jason Biggs debated a bottle of Mucinex Night Shift? I would like to see that, actually.
• Debating an empty chair is absolutely a thing I have done after taking cold medicine, however, so this does track.
• Why didn’t Mr. Mucus dress up for this event?
• When I take Mucinex Nightshift, will Mr. Mucus visit me? Or will Jason Biggs visit me? Are these the two choices?
• At the Oculus?!
• And finally: Wow. What?